In Praise of Filters: Change the Narrative on Civility
Socrates famously asked these questions:
Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
What if we invite this filter back into our common and uncommon discourse? What if, both in the moment and in preparation, we hold ourselves to the standard of communicating with these simple questions in mind?
In the 1989 movie classic When Harry Met Sally, Meg Ryan’s Sally gives Billy Crystal’s Harry a bit of advice: “You’re going to have to find a way not to express every feeling that you have every moment that you have them.” This is in response to the wagon wheel coffee table scene when Harry blurts out his own frustration of divorce as his two friends are setting up their new home together. “There’s a time and place for things,” she says.
I once had a friend who would call me “Harry” when I decided I should speak out about something in our workplace. Because I was young and not very professionally mature, I didn’t really understand timing, decorum, or civility. I just thought things needed to be SAID, and if no one else was going to do it, it was left to me. I once made a glorious, loud exit from a job, which, of course, came back to haunt me years later.
When I was in college in the mid-80s, students would watch game shows in the dorm during lunchtime between classes. One of our favorites was Family Feud, hosted by Richard Dawson, who seemed to kiss almost everyone and was great at dead-panning the absurd answers people come up with when put on the spot with a buzzer.
Years later, I knew something had changed in our culture because my students, ambling in after lunch for their one o’clock English class, were fresh from watching Jerry Springer, once dubbed the “worst show on television” for its glamorizing of salacious topics, on-air fighting among guests, and magnification of the worst of human behaviors. (Okay, those last words were mine, but it was voted the worst show . . .) It made popular dissing in public, “talk to the hand,” and other terrible ways of treating people, often who were family and supposed loved ones. Apparently, about 8 million people per episode couldn’t look away, and the show ran for 27 years!
There was, which probably should go without saying, an abhorrent lack of empathy displayed. Now, I’m a woman with vision and an eternal sense of hope, but this seemed to be proof that we were devolving as a species. It feels like this sort of behavior, played out on every possible public stage, seems here to stay. Just open any news page or channel: seemingly grown-up people are behaving like manipulative adolescents run amok. In my mind, there’s probably nothing more that cries out for a true Change the Narrative invitation.
Socrates famously asked these questions: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? What if we invite this filter back into our common and uncommon discourse? What if, both in the moment and in preparation, we hold ourselves to the standard of communicating with these simple questions in mind?
Often, my clients make the mistake of thinking they cannot deliver hard news, tough feedback, or a course correction and deliver the message with a sense of kindness and compassion.
Nothing could be further from the truth: you can be direct, specific, and truthful while also being caring and thoughtful.
These are not opposing ideas. It’s “and” and not “or.” And don’t make the mistake of thinking I suggest we sugarcoat or tiptoe around the truth; that’s not helpful either. We can demonstrate respect and create specificity in our accountability. It all comes down to language, and we can’t be lazy about it. We can’t just pop off the first unedited thing that might come into our minds.
It's completely acceptable to pause, consider, then speak.
We also need to give less attention and focus to this terrible accident of public conversation that seems to be around every bend in the road. We need to stop slowing down in the traffic of our daily lives to gawk at the terrible display. We need to stay the course and strive for the better. I think it’s important that we do not settle for the notion that we cannot talk about things that matter, that are hard, and not also be civil.
I love the focus of the American organization Starts with Us, who claim that 87% of Americans are tired of the political and cultural extreme conversations. They want to build bridges to balance the conversations and to encourage a refocus on Curiosity, Compassion, and Courage. We can do this in our organizations and on our teams, too.
Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Let’s give it a try!
This is just the beginning…
INTRODUCING:
Change the Narrative with Libby Wagner
An exploration into making changes that make a difference.
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