“But what about those messy, unpredictable people who don’t like each other?

***…Can they change?”***

Sometimes, in our working lives, we see people who are supposed to work together, collaborate, create, and develop interdependence, and they just clash. Instead of fostering an inclusive, sum-is-greater-than-the-parts factor, these relationships create stress, tension, and inefficiency. Hours and hours are lost to this interpersonal strife and can show up as low performance, inconsistent performance, gossip, people organizing themselves into opposing camps, turnover, burnout, and even hostile work environments. American businesses are estimated to lose $223[1] billion dollars annually to toxic workplace cultures. Some of these costs are hidden, such as time lost on projects because people aren’t getting along, loss of sales, and recidivism costs (on average, 1.5 times someone’s salary).

The truth is people “not getting along” isn’t something we have to deal with or that it’s just “part of the cost of doing business.” The truth is we need to create an environment that supports all the ways we are human while keeping our goals in mind. But what about those messy, unpredictable people who don’t like each other? Can they change?

You might have heard that people don’t change or they are who they are. Personality/style indicators like Meyers-Briggs, DiSC, Instinctive Drives, the Enneagram, or Human Design [2] might suggest that we don’t change at our core. I’m not sure I believe that entirely because I’ve experienced my transformations over the years and witnessed them in others. Perhaps we can call it evolving or deepening. I always think about this, specifically in the scope of organizational relationships and individual development. We can grow, and we can transform. We can change.

If we want to…

People can change their behavior and repair relationships. If they want to.

If you’re a leader who wants to influence the reparation of relationships that aren’t working—is that even possible? Sometimes, we have many conversations with the conflicting parties (again, a hidden cost!), trying to get to the root cause of the problem in the hopes we might be able to mediate and resolve issues. Here are some things to consider:

Awareness: sometimes, people get entrenched in their ways of seeing and thinking. Perception becomes someone’s reality which becomes the story of what’s happening to them. We first need to ensure that individuals are aware of the impact of the current situation. Having a courageous conversation about those observable behaviors and as much factual information as possible is important because someone’s attitudes and intentions get tangled up in what actually happens. If I have a story about how you are challenging to work with, I see everything you do through that filter; I’m making assumptions about your intentions. I have become less and less aware of how I am impacting the situation. The first step is to have an initial conversation so that someone can increase their awareness of the problem and their part in it.

Willingness. In my experience, relationships are not reconciled or repaired without willingness. Often, when I mediate a conversation, this is the first question I ask: “Are you willing to work on creating a more positive, productive working relationship with your colleague?” Mostly, someone will say “yes” to this. Often, they mean they are willing for the other person to change their ways to improve it! Confirming this initial willingness is important because it takes both people’s desire to examine their behaviors and allows them to come together for a common understanding or cause. This tacit understanding also suggests that there will be a process by which we can check in, keep track, and note our progress by communicating what’s working and what’s not working. This willingness assessment is two-fold: are you willing to believe it could be different? And are you ready to put in the work to make it different?

Commitment. Once the initial conversations happen, and everyone says, “Okay, we will give it a try,” the work has just begun. We build trust over time by demonstrating behaviors that make deposits in another person’s trust bank account. [3] Often, it’s helpful to set a timeframe for check-in or pilot of what we’ve agreed to a week, a month, or three months. We assess what’s going well and what could be better. Most importantly, we stay the course. Leaders can normalize the challenges of rebuilding trust and fostering change by acknowledging that this can be hard work, but it’s possible and worth it!

[1] Society for Human Resource Management, 2023.

[2] These are just the ones I’m familiar with!

[3] See my work on the Four Core Dimensions of Trust.

Missed the first article in this series? Catch up here…

Telling All the Truth: A Series

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